dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
