I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
