i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
