I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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