You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
