mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
