Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Randomize
