Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
