A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
