C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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