I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
