Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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