You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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