Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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