i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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