my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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