wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
