im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
They took my balls.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
God, I missed his penis.
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