She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
