Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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