Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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