Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
