my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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