I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
My ATM looks so different sober.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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