you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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