Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
