I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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