The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
