fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
