saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
