My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Everything about him screamed your future.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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