I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
