can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This is classic penis vs brain.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
