no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
either way he was missing a nipple.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
