Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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