I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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