he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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