found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
