I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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