I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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