i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
