apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Randomize
