just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
