Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
