I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
As shirtless as possible
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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