Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
this boner is exhausting
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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