Four minutes until I can fart!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
