No stitches, just platelets and will power
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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