I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
