I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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