I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
