I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
