then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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