It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
