She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We need to get me chipped asap
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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