pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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