im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
