My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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